What would that bring you?

While reading Peter Senge and Dave Meldahl's articles on vision based leadership and the power of looking into your future, I found myself repeating the last lines of the poem, Invictus by William Ernest Henley; "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."

Thinking forward into my future scares the crap out of me. And using declarative present tense sentences about my future life...well I may have just pooped my pants. However, at the same time it gives me a crazy sense of exhilaration and excitement.Knowing that you have the power to control your destiny with some hard work and your blood, sweat and tears is pretty dang inspiring. The notion of the world being your oyster is almost overwhelming. 

But what do I really want? 

In Senge's exercise of discovering our personal vision, finding the end result was not as nearly as easy as I thought. 

The first time I only made it through the first three steps of the exercise. 

First, we went about determining the way we want to exist in our future selves. That alone was just a little frightening. Next came the reflection on the vision component. When I chose my declarative statement of what I would be doing I was a little stuck. The way I envision my future is through a series of steps. I complete one step then envision the next. I'm a one-step-at-a-time kind of girl. Envisioning that final stepping stone was slightly difficult because I also recognize that just like the "Goosebumps" books I read in elementary school, our final result could change with just a simple decision to go to page 54 rather than 72. 

But that's not to say I don't make goals. Before I dive into anything whether it be athletics, school or work I always take the time to write out goals. I have immediate, mid-term, and long term goals. This has been especially crucial in my athletics career.  I have a special journal that I carry with me almost always. This journal is filled with every past season's goals and times for every race I've ever competed in. When I was attempting to break five minutes in the mile last year not only did I write my finish time of 4:58 in my journal for my season peak, but I had sticky notes posted EVERYWHERE. In my dorm, on my mirror, in my locker, on my desktop, my screen saver on my phone...when I say everywhere, I mean it. 

Not only did I have my mile time goal, but I had the splits calculated as to how I would achieve it. Every 400 was calculated down to the second, every 200 was broken down to milliseconds. I had a goal and a plan as to how I was going to achieve it. The hard part was over right? Ha! If only it were that easy...this is just the beginning...

Anyone can write down times on a neon post-it, but not everyone can follow through with them. 

It takes courage, perseverance, determination and a hell of a lot of dedication. You cannot be afraid of the inevitable pain. As an athlete you know that pain will come, it's just your choice of whether you want to cross that threshold and embrace it. 

The same goes with being a leader. In my experience I always have goals. I think calling them goals rather than a "vision" is less scary to me. In my position as a leader I also break it down in the immediate, mid-term and long-term goals. Additionally, not only do I write the goals, but I verbalize them and make them known. When working with a team, the goals are formulated as a group and everyone is on the same page. I make sure to re-visit the goals in meetings and revise them when needed. Meldahl recounts a womans newfound leadership taking on a "struggling territory," she, "led her team through a process to develop their region's values and chart their direction for the next year and beyond." When the time to make a decision, the company evaluated the decisions refrencing off of this chart. 

When one has a grounded base in values, goals, or a vision- whichever you prefer to call them, the success rate of the individual, team, or company thrives almost exponentially. After all, we are the masters of our ships, the captain of our souls. It's up to us as to how we want to command it. 

Society's mis(understandings)

As much as I enjoyed listening to Margaret Wheatley's rant of how everything is meant to be; even the biggest upsets, I couldn't help but think that this woman is just a little too optimistic for my liking. And that's saying a lot, because I am not the kind of girl who sees the glass half-empty. Ever. 
But that's not to say that I do not identify with some of her assertions within her scientific rhetorical essay, "The Unplanned Organization." She asserts that, "In the world of self-organizing, we see change as power, a presence, a capacity that is available." I am continuing to learn to identify this in my personal changes and transitions.
Her third tenet of "Unplanned Organization,"was easy enough to identify with. Wheatley says, "We live in a universe that is alive, creative, and experimenting all the time to discover what's possible." I can agree with this particular assertion. For as long as we can remember, human kind have been constantly exploring what is possible within the world, from searching to the smallest microbes to the farthest away galaxies. In her opinion, Wheatley says, "The reason life seeks to organize is so it can explore its diversity, so that it can explore its creative potential." This declaration makes sense, and in my opinion, is not overly confident in our society. Life is indeed self-organizing and we do constantly seek to create patterns, structures, organizations, occasionally without any pre-planned directive. However, when she states that all messes and mistakes are us just experimenting and simply discovering what is possible...well I think she may be getting a tad bit overzealous. Yes, we do learn from our mistakes but does that give us permission to not try our damndest to get it right the first time? By her fifth tenet I began to think she existed in some ethereal land where everything is pretty and pink and we get to play all the time. I may be being too hard on Margaret. There were a few things within her essay that I really appreciated. For example, her appreciation of identity and the way in which life organizes around what is meaningful to us in one way or another. And her hint at community. She states that we cannot exist in isolation, we exist within a co-creative world. This all is inspiring, yet i'm still slightly skeptical.
In his book, "The Fifth Discipline," Peter Senge also speaks of societies mistakes and problems. But these problems arose from a once thought solution.
Within chapter four Senge gave many examples of the way today's problems come from yesterday's "solutions." One example he gave was the horse Boxer from Animal Farm. The idea of compensating feedback came into play. The harder Boxer worked, the more work he had. Not only do we see this in old texts but in the present as well. For example, our efforts to help developing countries prosper. As these countries gained agricultural support and food, death rates began to drop due to malnutrition; however, as the higher net population began to grow, so did the numbers of malnutrition. Therefore, no solution and progress was actually made.
What we forget sometimes is that cause and effect may not always be closely related in time and space. When we brainstorm a seemingly flawless solution to a problem we may not foresee any re-occuring effect from this "solution."
How can we anticipate such an event from happening? And how can we begin to cease the perpetual cycle of aggression our American society has become engrossed in?
Why are we at a stand still?
Answer: because "conventional forecasting, planning, and analysis methods are not equipped to deal with such dynamic complexity," says Senge in his chapter "A shift of Mind."
After all, the War on Terrorism is, most fundamentally, a problem of dynamic complexity. The type of insight required to look deeply into all underlying causes and all possible cures requires a perspective of interrelationships. And the US does not view interrelationships as a positive, rather, a threat. It requires seeing patterns of change, not just snapshots. In chapter four he spoke of how you "can have the cake and eat it too...but not at once." To translate, he is saying that sometimes our perceived dilemmas are not dilemmas at all. It's just a snapshot of a problem. The true dilemma needs a wide angle lens to view the issue as a whole.
So maybe that's what we need to do. Instead of honing in on the problem and trying to jump to the solution, we may just need to step back and do a primary assessment then see where we need to go from there.
In my medical training this was the first thing we learned when arriving onto a scene. We had it engraved in our brains, no matter how bloody or gorey the scene may be we need it just as a self preservation technique. When stepping back and looking at the big picture it gives us time to settle our hear rate down, get calm, and take a big breath before diving into the huge task at hand.

Sticky notes: My personal life saver

Sticky notes save my life. Quite literally. Without my sticky notes, planners, and lists on lists I would be lost. It would be nearly impossible for me to complete my million and one to-do's, because I for one simply cannot remember it all!
Our readings of organization and teachings on how to excel, as well as red flags for failure was very interesting to me.
The first article I read by David Allen who asserted the Power of the Next-Action Decision. I never thought about how easy it could be to accomplish the huge list that is always staring at me in the face by asking myself the simple question of, "what's the next action?"
I recognize that when having an action plan, and making a decision, can be the difference between things simply "showing up" or "blowing up."
I've experienced the moments of panic when I completely overlook an important deadline and realize it in the knick of time. I become complete and utter chaos.
I am the type of person who transitions very poorly. Ask any family member or friend...or past boyfriends for that matter...of mine and they can testify to my claim. I need time to process, think, and prepare myself for an event or switch. If I haven't sat on it long enough or if it is thrown in my face out of the blue, I shut down. I break down and feel as though I have no control of what is happening. This is why I need list, deadlines and specific plans of how I will meet each of my individual deadlines.
Which is what leads me to the next article I read, by Steven Covey. Covey laid out a very understandable and relatable matrix of our time management and how our different responsibilities may lay in the "Urgent and important, not urgent but important, not important but urgent, and not urgent and not important."
Covey also talked about breaking down each of our tasks so that each sub task is not as scary and daunting as just a single word written down in the midst of our list. I realized this could really help me in one assignment that I've been meaning to- or trying to- tackle for about two weeks now.
In one of my nursing classes I am raising a virtual baby. Easy right? Not so much. The first steps are pretty easy, you plug in personal traits of yourself and the site spits out either a boy or girl for you. I got a baby boy who I named Keegan and gave dark hair, olive skin and blue eyes. All that was no problem. Then came the actual raising part. Based off of my parenting decisions Keegan could either turn out to be either a great child, or a rather terrible one. Along with these decisions you have to do miniature write ups as the baby develops. That's where I am stuck. Lately I've just been writing "Virtual Baby" on my to-do list, hoping I'll be able to sign in and just jump right back into it.
Now, after reading Covey's advice, instead of writing "virtual baby, " on my to-do list, I'm writing "Complete 18-month write up on Keegan." According to Covey, by specifying this task, the job will be easier to tackle, and quite honestly, when I think of it this way the task isn't nearly as daunting.
The final reading was written by Ellen Van Velsor and Jean B. Leslie. In their article, titled "Why Executives Derail, they talked of the universal themes of why some make it to the top and hit it big, and why others who looked as though they had great potential crumble and burn. The four themes of derailment include problems with interpersonal relationships, failure to meet business objectives, failure to build and lead a team and, the inability to change/ adapt during a transition.
The re-occuring theme I saw between this article and Covey's and Allen's was organizational skills. When an individual utilizes good organizational and delegation skills, the chances of you falling to performance problems and crashing are greatly reduced.
In this article they single out women in one particular study. In this study they found that classic derailment themes were that women were unable to adapt to a boss/ culture, had experienced performance problems, came across as overly ambitious, and/ or did not have the ability to lead subordinates or to be strategic. Did you know that only 12 Fortune 500 companies are run by women in 2012? And this is down from 15 last year.
Why is this? Is it because we're not as organized and lateral in thinking? Because I think it could quite possibly be the opposite. Of all the male friends I know, only a very few of them actually carry a planner, make lists, much less take notes in class. I'm sure there are plenty of outside factors in the success of an individual, and the success of a women versus a man but could organizational skills be the bottom of the problem? Or is it simply an outlier?
Questions aside, these three readings were exponentially beneficial for me in my personal vendetta of organization and time management and I will definitely be utilizing the tips I gathered!
Now i'm off to cross off yet another thing on my never-ending to-do list! Yay!

What's at stake for women in the 2012 elections? hour 5

On Wednesday, September 26, I joined a diverse group of women who are spearheading efforts to engage, empower, and educate women about the issues that matter to our lives, our families, higher education, and our communities.
The panelists included Lindsay Murdock, ASMSU Vice President; Dulaney Collins, representative from AAUW, my mentor Jan Strout, Montana Women Vote and myself! They put my profile as this: Mescalero Apache, MSU student in Nursing and Montana Women Vote canvasser. Looking back, I still don't feel as though I was qualified in the slightest sense to be on this panel but apparently Jan has heard nothing but good things back especially about issues I talked about!
When I was first asked by Jan to do this I accepted it on the spot. Partly because I don't think I've ever said no to Jan and because I thought this would be a great experience and opportunity to learn even more for myself about the upcoming ballot issues. The sort of pitch Jan made was that "because I wear so many hats, I'd be a great perspective to have," or something along those lines. The hats being a Native American woman, a past student athlete, a nursing student, from montana and a reservation...I had to cut her off and say yes before she got too much further. I definitely don't see myself as anyone special when it comes to knowledge and opinions. But here I was, all dressed up in a pencil skirt and heels ready to talk shop on women in politics!
The points we talked about included why Montana Women actually matter in the upcoming elections, The key issues- primarily concerning women's health care such as access to birth control, breast cancer screening, and preventative care.
Dulaney Collins spoke about pay equity and the economic fairness for women, in conjunction with promoting Equal Pay Day events. Lindsay and I spoke about access and affordability for Montana's higher education, then Jan and I both spoke on Women's health care and rights and the impacts on diverse on women.
Then things actually got exciting. For me at least.
I was slightly bored with the way the panel forum was going and was waiting for a moment to spark things up a bit. I got my chance when we started talking about strategies. We quickly established that there are multiple venues of access to a nearly exponential plethora of information out there. However, as I pointed out, there's a key part missing. The excitement and want to access. I asserted that many people in my generation are apathetic and, quite frankly, want nothing to do with politics. I was blunt and said, "Lets be honest, politics is boring. Even though there is plenty of access and availability no one has the want to actually act on the information."  After all, as many of my friends have said, "It's their fault they messed up the whole thing, when did it become our job to fix it?"
What we as individuals and corporations who are passionate about issues that are on the ballot this year, and about politics in general, need to do is ignite that spark.
We began throwing out event ideas such as "Women and Wine," but even then we're missing a huge demographic. The demographic of ME. It's individuals between the age of 18-21 who are the ones who need to be most involved in our nations elections. When our demographic doesn't speak out, it's programs for us that get cut first. Take for example, Pell Grants. Hundreds of thousands of Pell Grants have been cut over the past two years and they are continuing to get cut.
Wouldn't you think that by saying the little words as "get a say in what you pay for tuition," would fuel any individual? I thought so, but that isn't quite the case.
We also talked about how we as organizations and activists need to keep an open line of contact with our politicians. From the grassroots up. By keeping the access open to the public, more individuals can express their opinions and ask questions.
As a group, we talked about the power of women to meet our needs when united, the gender gap and the way women voters are underrepresented especially by women with low/ no incomes, rurally isolated, young, ethnic, minorities/ women of color and Native American women.
The biggest thing I took out of this day was the power of collaboration. Not only did I learn a large amount, but I also got connected with a few pretty amazing individuals, all with the same sort of passion and inspiration. I learned that even though I may not think very much about my thoughts, there are people who appreciate them and are open to listening.
After this day I even more excited to continue with my work in educating individuals.
One particular women I met, Pat Oriet, inspired me the most. She and I have been brainstorming since wednesday on ways to reach my demographic.
I was also offered a part time job working with a man our of D.C involved in Planned Parenthood!
I am so excited to see what is to come around the corner!

Worst enemy, best teacher

After a particularly nasty fight with my mom, I remember her coming into my room and sitting down with me. She talked about the pain, anger, and despair that she went through when she lost her loved big brother, Billy Scott.  I've always known there are some parts of her she doesn't talk much about, and parts that I still know very little about, so when she started talking about Billy, I perked up immediately.
In addition to the tragic hit and run story of Billy's death, she listed off at least five other events that have changed her drastically. She told me even though she had endured so much that she is appreciative and she is grateful.
She began laying out just how fortunate I was to have all the privileges I take for granted every day. Like education. And a family who has the ability to support me in everything and anything I have ever dreamt of doing. I began realizing it was not like this for my mom. She started to open up her scars for me to feel and to appreciate. She told me thanks to her moments of disruption and chaos that she appreciates every day with even more gratitude. She is grateful. Her joy and happiness that she carries every day is awe-inspiring.
Following weeks after she told me some of her stories I marveled at how well she was able to store her pain away and greet every day with so much love.
But looking back it makes sense.
I've met a few individuals who have cheated death to the most extreme levels. Because of their tragic and shocking event, they suddenly had a changed outlook in life. Every day was a gift to them. Life changing events propels one to appreciate the things that we overlook so easily.
The same can be seen with conflict.
Deidre says, with conflict comes gratitude. Not only are we grateful for the learning experience, but we are grateful for our opponent as well.
In my first journal entry I talk about the push and pull. How we meet resistance before moving further. Conflict acts in the same way. As Combs says, "The tough needs to come before good can occur."
I admit, when I am in the heat of the moment or am in an argument that appears to have no way out I do not see any good coming out of it. I actually experienced this very thing this weekend while registering people to vote, but that is for another blog post.
I recognize that though conflict and even tragedy is messy, risky and scary, it is also the very thing we need to push us forward.

Identity by design

I am from a land of jagged snow capped mountains and flowing waters.

I am from a land full of history waiting silently to be learned.

I am from parents who encourage adventure, spirit, and enthusiasm for the unknown. 

I am from a long line of chiefs and canyon runners.I am from earth, water, fire and wind. 

I am from the waters of Northern Minnesota. 

I am from solitude, independence, true thought, and travel. 

I am from my worst mistakes and largest successes. 

I am from trees, water, nature, stars, sunsets, dragonflies and the northern lights. 

I am from a land of jagged snow capped mountains and flowing waters. 

My name is Aewageshane. I am from a long line chiefs and maidens, I am from a land of jagged mountains tipped with snow and flowing water, I am from canyon lands and the hot grounds of Arizona. I am from a line of women who have taught me much of my culture through art. I have learned that art is a way of displaying a proud and unbroken tradition that links us to the generations of women who have come before us. 

Last year around this time, I attended an art viewing show hosted at the Emerson. Walking through the Montana Women in the Visual Arts Exhibit, there were many pieces that struck me with flash backs to my childhood. The elk tooth dress that had similar patterns and colors as my jingle dress I was to wear in my very first competition at the Arlee Pow-Wow was the first to catch my eye. This dress made of elk teeth and carved bone had a design layout much like my beloved dress. The way the bone curved in a half-circle around the collar, splaying outwards towards the hem, as well as the contrast in color was so similar to my very own that I felt as though it may have been mine. Comanche / Blackfoot woman Keri Jhane Myers said once, “When you wear your dress, you’re carrying the spirit of all the people who gave you the lessons of life, who made dresses before you –dresses that you can look at today and be inspired by.” Our native art and traditional clothing is such a strong link to our ancestors.  As we grow, we learn more about our past and who we are. Not only does it link us to our past, but it also bridges our culture to the future.

The next items to catch my eye were the Ya-ya dolls made out of real hair and scraps of fabric, the same dolls that I made with my most favorite and respected elder women at the Peoples Center in Pablo. I could almost smell the dried meat that would be cooking outside, and see Steven Small Salmon waiving around the tongs, laughing and telling tall tales. These elders are no longer around, however their words of wisdom remain with me today.

Then I see a piece of art that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Caroline G. Granger painted a woman nurturing a child with her arms wrapped around, looking down adoringly. This is a picture whose pencil strokes are engrained in my brain, and is rampant throughout my house. My mother, an artist herself, has produced so many renditions of this piece incorporating the idea of Mother Theresa and a baby. However; her pieces much like Grangers, aren’t gaudy Christian pieces, they depict a dark skinned woman with long black braids wearing traditional clothing with a child in a cradleboard or wrapped in a Pendleton blanket. Throughout my infant years I was transported in a cradleboard adorned with beadwork much like the beading that was displayed on the purses and pouches made by Sioux and Chippewa women.

Finally, Edith Freeman’s painting of a beautiful patch of sagebrush completed my childhood flashback. For my people, sagebrush is very sacred. Used for medicinal and recreational purposes, this plant has always been used as a common household commodity. When burned and used as a “smudge,” it helps cleanse the individual or area. I can vividly remember late fall evenings walking along the Flathead Riverbanks cutting bundles of sagebrush to later dry and braid into long stalks. I remember the motions that I would do while getting cleansed before traditional ceremonies or before I left for my first day of school. 

This is just a single story of me. Many who see me do not recognize a woman who holds strong to her traditional roots. Many may not even see a Native American woman. But as Chimamanda Adichie said in her powerful presentation about the danger of a single story, "When we reject the single story, when we realize that there's never a single story about any place, we regain a kind of paradise." I challenge us all to not just learn one story of each other, but as many as we can, to not overlook the many other stories that formed us as individuals. 

This is but a single story. 

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

This is how I feel on occasion when I am standing in front of a large group of people just babbling on and, in my head, forming zero coherent sentences. 

In actuality, I probably have had those moments. I know for a fact I've had many, many moments in the hot seat that have gone horridly wrong. 

Yet, I still get up there. Heart pounding, hands shaking, my bladder feeling as though it will burst any second. You would think that feeling would go away after logging countless times in the spot light; however, I thought the exact thing as I continually toed the start line of a race. Sure enough, I can always count on the flutterbees showing up, my bladder suddenly filling on its own accord seconds before the gun, and my heart racing a million miles a minute. 

I've learned to embrace these awful feelings as an athlete and channel them into my performance. Nerves are good. Ask anyone. Or, maybe ask your coach. They'll always tell you nerves are good, even if it does result in you peeing your pants. For real. Its happened to the best of us. 

Our class guest on Monday September 13, president of Bozeman's Toatmasters, said nearly the same thing. He noted how most athletes utilize their nerves as power, and the same can be done with those speaking publically. However, more speakers are still trying to figure out the conversion than athletes...at least I am. 

Before my speech on monday about my love for camp I looked over the Toastmasters International's 10 tips for public speaking. All of these ten tips are easily achievable for every individual, yet I know it's always easier said than done. For example, tip number two. Practice. Practice. Practice! 

Goodness! If only I had time to intermittently whip out my two minute speech throughout my daily schedule. Looking back it sounds almost silly to say. It's TWO minutes. But the hardest part about it is finding a safe place to practice. It's good to play around with your words, figure out which roll of the tongue easily, and those that don't. It's good to sound ridiculous. 

While practicing, don't forget to throw in your meat, (or tofu for me) your sizzle, and your style. We've all figured out by now that we are each their own unique person. We all have our own style, whether its the way we dress or the way we formulate our words! 

The biggest piece of advice I took from the day was to ask for feedback. People are inherently prone to ask for no feedback as opposed to hearing criticism. I'll admit, I don't enjoy hearing criticism, yet I know that hearing about what I don't see; in other words, my blind spot, gives me insight into the way I am perceived to others. And I personally, find that fascinating.